Intertwined Mishaps

I try to talk
But there's something caught on the roof of my mouth
Like sticky rice
I make an odd noise that seems to sound like the the hum of the refrigerator right before it breaks down
I break down
I grimace at my embarrassment
Rosy cheeks hidden behind dark hair
I stutter my monologue
talkingtoofastforanyonetounderstandme
I watch as you walk away
Dignity intact
Mine
Is no where to be found

*these are lyrics I wrote years ago right after Johnny Cash died..*

Verse 1
Hello there
Why are you sitting alone in here
In here
Don't you want some company
Maybe me, maybe me

I've been walking
Up and down
These narrow hallways
Wearing a slanted crown
Waiting, waiting
For the end my friend

Chorus
How's it gonna happen?
I think God only knows
If he's even watching all my idols
And my heroes
Fading, fading
Away like daylight
Way into the the dark of night
That ain't right

Verse 2
Is anyone really alive?
Or are we all dead?
Is anyone really awake?
Or are we all asleep in bed?
I think this is hell
Watching my heroes six feet down
Who would've figured ol' Johnny in the ground

Chorus-repeat

Bridge
Hello there
Why are you sitting alone in here
I damn sure don't want company
If I'm just dying
I'm dying

Chorus-repeat 2x

It was his choice. He didn't have to.. No one forced him to. But he did it. And now he only has himself to blame. Now he can sit alone, in pain, contemplating on if he should call. Maybe dial my number and hang up when I pick up. Empty bottles and cans, trying to drown his sorrows. Because I'm done being the damsel in distress.

A flicker
A spark of hope
Shoots from my toes
Into my heart
Pumping blood quickly
The beat, the rhythm to my life
Quickens the pace
My pupils dilate
My mouth waters
My knees weaken
And just like that
As quickly as it came
It's gone
You're gone

I find myself putting on this face. This face of strength and security and confidence. It includes narrowed eyes and a tight jaw that can take any punch thrown its way. I smile widely to further extend the illusion that I'm happy with who I am, and I roll my eyes to let them wonder if I think I'm better than them. This face of steel ready to take on the world, face any obstacle thrown at me. And then, out of no where, you walk in... Into the room, into my life... And that face of strength and confidence melts down to the fragile child that I once was... That I still am. My eyes no longer narrow and look straight ahead, they quickly glance around and come to rest on the floor as you greet me. My jaw loosens and goes into a slight smile as my cheeks burn... I'm suddenly aware of my frizzy hair and that I have no makeup on, I'm in baggy clothes... In front of you. I'm no longer able to take on the world, I'm only able to stare at the floor in awe that you, you, are even talking to me. Frizzy haired, plain, sloppy me.

I'm often loud
But
I can be soft when I want to
Whisper so lightly
The hint of sound from my voice kisses your eardrum while passing by
I can be rough
One of the guys
But
I can be feminine just as well
Paint my eyes in various shades to accentuate the caramel brown of my iris
I can be harsh
Swear like a sailor
But
I can show tact all the same
Bat my eyelashes, stick to proper conversation, when in doubt pinky out
I can do laundry
Take care of the house
But
I can rebel just as much as the next liberal
Shout my words, my feelings, my striving for equality for everyone, everywhere
I can love
Love so hard it hurts
But
I can also despise
Dislike someone so much that it verges on hate
But
That is something I would never do

She holds her teddy bear close to her face
If she don't look at him, she feels less of a disgrace
She shakes as the door creeps open
It's just her mama, she keeps hopin'
She knows it's him by the sound of his walk
Hand over her mouth, "be a good girl don't talk
If you love daddy you'll let him do as he pleases"
She tries to shut away is grunts and his wheezes
Silent tears make their way down her her cheek
If she knows what's best for her, she won't try to shriek
She's afraid is she tells, mama won't love her anymore
That's what he says as he walks over to the door
He has the nerve to say he loves her and to have a good night
Once he's gone she still holds that same old teddy bear tight
Prayin' to the Lord that it won't happen again
She knows it will she just doesn't know when
She curses the day that she ever was born
She's not even five and she's already torn

Make some noise
Because
Silence can be DEAFENING
I need to know that I can still hear
If I chose to listen
I've been silent all too long
Now's the time to raise my voice
Speak my mind
Be heard
Before it's too late
Too late for change for myself, for this place, this society
Break the molds of beauty and conventionalism
Not to just think outside of the box
But to shake that box until it SHATTERS
To truly open our minds
To see the face of God in the beauty that is Earth
And EVERYONE that graces its presence
Please
I plead
Fellow homo sapiens
Make some noise
Before we're all deaf

I wish I could be three again. Where throwing rocks into the murky water of the Kankakee River was prime entertainment and candy bubbles tasted good to a sugar hungry child's mouth. I wish I could return to the days where I collected baby turtles from the rock covered road to save them from getting hit by the occasional pickup truck or tractor. Or when we pretended leprochauns lived in the run down shack and let our imaginations get the best of us. When my biggest worries were a sore throat or falling off of my hand-me-down bicycle. I miss the bonfires, cuddled on top of my grandma's lap, my flame licked face laying softly on her bosom as she rocked me humming in a beautiful tone. I miss climbing trees and scabby knees and the bunk bed where my sister and I talked for hours on end until one of us eventually nodded off. I miss the Berenstein Bears, the soothing tone of my mother's voice reading to me and promising to check up on me before going to sleep. I miss crawling into my parent's bed, to find comfort and protection awaiting me. But the thing I miss most of all is the innocence every child has. The hunger for knowledge but a simple ignorance of the happenings of the world. No bills, no worries about oil or war, or rising food prices, or finding shelter. All that my little mind was concerned about was keeping active, while now, I'm reluctant to move from the comfort of my sofa. I wish I could just crawl into the bottom bunk, surround myself with my stuffed animals, and drift away to the sound of my grandma's humming.

For all that you did
Pretending to be such a good person
When really
You were evil
For calloused hands brushing innocent flesh
For pretending to care
For blaming them
For accusing them
I know you were just a coward
Trying to fill a perverse obsession
Greedy eyes and grubby fingers
But now
I can finally say
I forgive you
I forgive all that you did
But
I will NEVER forget

My father’s hands
Scarred and cut
Calloused
Rough to the touch
But he was never rough with them
On his right hand
His middle finger is gone
Not completely gone
Just to the second joint
And a smooth seal of skin covers where it used to be
I fail to notice it now
But it seems to be the first thing people notice about him
My father’s hands
Held me on his lap
As we watched endless Antiques Roadshows
My father’s hands
Know the strength of a gun
Know the feel of a hard days work
Know the exhaustion of a factory
My father’s hands
Rough to the touch
But he was never rough with them

They say they will change the world
Make peace
In the middle east
Make peace in a land
War torn since the beginning of man
Give equal rights to all
As long as you're a white male
With the green
With no disabilities
Who likes women
And God and Jesus
No homos allowed
No women in power
No healthcare
No non-Christians
No liberal thinking
No open-minds
The rich get richer
And the poor and poorer
No research for cancer
Or AIDS
No help for Africa
Just America
Or so they say to the reporters
Take care of our own
As long as they are
Straight, Rich, Christian, White Males

If I were to tell you how I honestly felt, you would probably run away screaming, but perhaps, you would stay and take it all in, tell me you were flattered, pat my shoulder and walk away. Either one would be a blow to my ego, to my heart, to get rejected once again. You think I'd be numb to the pain but it stings just as strongly as it did that first time, so long ago. To have my love pushed aside, labeled another crush. To be treated as if I was a child who doesn't know the joy and pain of love, but I do, and all too well. If I were to tell you how I honestly felt, could you just tell me a the tiniest, sweetest lie, that may give me a glimmer of hope?

I wish I was there
To hold you in my arms
And assure you you were strong enough to live
I wish I could've been there, to shield you from bullets
To try and prevent as much pain as possible
To take your dark face in my hands
Stare into your eyes
And tell you, "you are safe"
I wish I could create peace as easily as hate is created
But I am no God
I am a mere mortal
Who wishes they could do more
For the world
For Africa
For Sudan
For Achak, Dominic, Valentino Deng

I have been called
A spick *because I have dark hair*
A dike *because I'm a feminist*
A dirty Jew *because I read about Judaism*
A Canuck *because I'm French Canadian*
A nigger lover *because I'm not racist*
An extremist *because I speak my mind*
A terrorist *because I don't support the war*
An anti-American *because I don't support the president*
A hippie *because I don't hate*
A Nazi *because I have German blood in me*
An atheist *because I have questioned my faith*
What do I call these people?
Ignorant
Close-minded
Rude
Mean spirited
But I also call them human
Because to human is to err
Human is to judge
Human is to not trust outsiders
We are all fallible
We are all mortal
We are all wrong
We are all right
We are human
So next time you want to call me
Spick, dike, dirty Jew, Canuck, nigger lover, extremist, terrorist, anti-American, hippie, Nazi, atheist
Just call me human
Just like you

I didn't smoke for long. I forget, now, why I even started. I think to just find out what the hype was about. Most of my friends smoked and it was at a time when my mother started up again. I asked my mom if I could take one tiny drag off of hers. I had asked this many times but had never followed through with it, hence why she willingly handed it over to me. To her surprise, and to somewhat of my own, I took a drag, making sure not to inhale. My mom looked at me in a mix of horror and amazement. She said, "See, it's gross, isn't it?" I shook my head disagreeably and said I actually liked it. I continued to smoke the remaining cigarette. After that, I snuck around, buying a pack here or there and eventually being able to inhale. Soon enough, I was caught, and although I am twenty years old, I still felt like a child getting caught stealing a dollar bill out of their mother's purse. My mom was disappointed but she didn't really lecture me. I only smoked for about a month and only quit because my aunt and cousin pleaded with me to. I still crave the nicotine but I haven't smoked once since I decided to quit. I watch people smoking and just want to ask to bum one off of them, but I resist the urge and carry on with my day.

Will you excuse me
While I exit from the room?
I must go to my place
Alone
Alone
To take care of my dirty deeds
My obsession
My addiction
My adrenaline pumps immediately
Blood rushing
Euphoria
Sweet euphoria
Embrace me
Take me to your garden of Eden
As I taste the forbidden fruits

My patience breaks
And my body shakes
With pure disgust
To even look at you
Or in your general direction
Makes me nauseous
My last nerve bends
And snaps with the opening of your mouth
And your squeaky voice comes out
Irritating girl
Chills run through my body
As I realize
You're still talking
Droning on and bitching about this or that
And bragging of your stupidity
Its girls like you
That let women be degraded
Excuse me while I bust my eardrum
Just to relieve myself of your voice
No longer to endure your complaining
Now
Let me just take care of these eyes

Sweet intoxication
Temptation
Liberation
Of flirtation
My aspiration
For communication
Conversation
Contemplation
Fascination
With my expectation
Acceleration
To transformation
Infatuation
With the situation
Contamination
My imagination
Glorification
Gratification

It all started with a dream...
I was running
Sprinting really
Further
Into
the
Darkness
No light in sight
Just the burn
Of my legs
And the pain
Of my
Bare
Feet
Hitting
The rough ground
A voice in the distance CRIES
And I pause
Chest in flames
Lungs Aching
As I take
Short
Staggering
Breaths
I know that voice
It's my own
Deep into the darkness
I awake
Cold
Sweat
Dripping
Not knowing
If I save myself
From the darkness

Let us dance tonight
For it will be the last
We will not remember tomorrow
What has happened this night
And you shall pass by
Without so much as a glance
And I shall do the same
To appease you
And your ego
No words will be spoken
No more feelings shared
Just an empty feeling
In the pit of our stomachs
And in our hearts
For all of eternity

It's where the evil men are from
Those creatures of the night
The ones who steal innocence
And have no remorse
Yet they have the power
To make some of their victims
Still respect them
Stockholm syndrome?
Perhaps
All I know
Is he is from there
And that's why I'm afraid

I want to dislike you
I want you to be an asshole
And I want me to notice it
I want to loathe you
I want you to be
A drug dealer, a felon, a racist skinhead
Anything to make me despise you
But you're not
You're kind
And funny
And respectful to me
And I unfortunately
Love you
But don't think I like it

Why do you have to be charming
Polite
Respectful
British?
Why do you have to be daring
Courageous
Good looking
Mature?
Why do you have to be kind
Smart
Goal-oriented
lovable?
Why do you have to be thirty
Perfect
Well-known
Unobtainable?

Sweet memories fill my mind
Of that night
You
Making a point to talk to me
And to put your arm around me
To tell me you like how I acted
And you wanted to see more
That I was out of control
But in a good way
A way you've never seen before
You brought it up the next day
To prove you remembered, too
But now you forget
And I start from square one

Are you aware that every single time I breathe, I can only muster up the air because of the glimmer of hope that we could be together one day? That you and I just might be soulmates and I have found you by chance along this twisted road that we call life? Are you aware that I only stir myself to wake because I might come across your path today? That by the off chance you might be in the area, for whatever reason, we could bump into eachother? Are you aware that the only reason I give a damn about my appearance, even in the slightest quotient, is because I might catch your attention by my outfit or the paint I shalack on my face? That maybe, just maybe, you might like what you see and do something about it? Are you aware that the words that come off your lips are imprinted in my heart, the good and the bad? That your words mean more to me than what anyone else thinks? Are you aware that every three minutes I think about you and the love that could be possible if you only knew? Are you aware of me?

You're vanity intrigues me
It's not confidence
It almost a sense of false bravado
It comes off as arrognace
Yet you're insecurities shine through
But you ignore them
You tell yourself
And others
That if you brag just enough
No one will see them
Including you
But I see them
I play the same game

I have one on my forearm from the oven
And one on my thumb from the car door
One on each bicep from a bad reaction to medication
Too many to count on my knees
One on my big toe from a piece of glass
Three from surgery
Little ones all over from this or that
And then there is this one
The worst
It's the one you gave to me
The scar of where my heart broke

I bend over
Or crouch down
And my knees crack
Softly at first but louder the further I go
I casually look up
No one noticed
Or if they did, they are being polite
I return to an upright position and they do the same
Later
An elderly woman bends over
Or crouches down
Beside me
Her knees crack
I am old
At age 20

You tell me the tales of your drunken escapades
Those wasted weekend nights
I listen, intrigued and worried at the same time
They tell me I’m too good for you
You’re arrogant
Self-righteous
An alcoholic
An atheist
A bad person
Bottom line: you have flaws
You’re not a bad person
You’re unique with your sense of humor
You genuinely care about others but are afraid to show it
I know that, they don’t
You’re not perfect
Neither am I
But I love your imperfections
Every last one of them

Sun seeps into the room, between the slats on the plastic curtains
I stare, endlessy, at a computer screen clicking away
Erasing what I hate, those neverending cliches that are my life
Typing a more romantic version of what I want my life to be
But it all ends up the same
Complete and utter dribble in the highest sense
I take a time check: 1:35 PM
It's been four hours and I've managed to create a mockery to all of poetry
Heartache, it's so done along with yearning and obsession
I strive to be unique in an endless sea of blah
But I blend in with the other waves to be washed upon the shore
To die.. A cliche

Falling stars
Hurling towards the earth
People diving
Save those who look alike
Pray to your cross
Pray to your star
Pray to whatever you need to
No one is safe
Hiroshima
Korea
Vietnam
Shall we once again?

deep breaths
it aches but i do as i'm told
one more time
she says
i hear rattling
she says
one more time
my eyes water in pain
but i do as i'm told
one more time
she asks again
just one more time

I talk to her for hours
Giving her a rose
I kiss my hand and put it on her stone
"Here lies Mary Fowler"
Here lies my guardian angel
My Grandmother

I couldn't keep my eyes off of you
Staring so intently on the piece of literature in front of you
Drinking in every word she says
You glance at me, your blue eyes sparkling
I can feel my cheeks get flushed just by your small gesture
You show you artistic intellect and my heart swells
Knowing that I've fallen for you, a complete stranger
The anonymous young man in tan