Intertwined Mishaps

Walk away, world’s crumblin’
I keep stumblin’
Tryin’ to keep true to myself, be humble and
Know I hold a heart that’s so fragile and
I have a place in this world so I keep travelin’
Like a lost, poor, and hungry soul, unravelin’
The pieces of my faith that are worth havin’ and
Lookin’ for his face in all that I see
Lookin’ for the answers of just how to be free
It’s just me and HIS Majesty, my deity
Walkin’ ‘cross this lonely land all the way to the sea
Now I see I thought I was lost in many ways
I never laughed, I always cried, never sang any praise
To my G-d who blessed me with all of my days
Helped me see the light at the end of the maze
I was crazy, so lazy
Mind so hazy
From the negativity, now it don’t faze me
Force the darkness out and let the light shine in
Push your ego away and let peace begin
To fill the void that left your soul weakened
Say ‘Yes, I believe’ and let HIS light seep in

Look inside yourself
HE is there
Look inside yourself
HE is there

I’ve turned my back a time or two I’ll admit it
But now I’m dedicated, I’m committed
To turn my life around one step at a time
I once was weak now I’m ready to climb
To climb
Up and above all of the hate
Ready to climb on up and accept my fate
I’ve prayed G-d that it ain’t too late to finally free myself of all of this weight
That’s been put on my shoulders since I was young
It’s a wonder I never picked up a gun
Though it was tempting coming straight from the devil’s tongue
But I pulled myself up rung by rung
To be closer to YOU my G-d, my redeemer
Thanks to YOU I am a dreamer
A believer
In all of your power, all of your glory
I’m ready to accept my life’s story
It’s by your grace that I’ve made it here today
YOU believed in me even as I was led astray
Knew I’d come back some day
And here I am back on my knees and I pray
For forgiveness of all of my sins
And to thank you for all of my losses and all of my wins
And letting me know with every story ending a new one begins
A new chapter, a new life meaning
Thank you for intervening
I wish I could I have no regrets
But I haven’t made peace with my mistakes quite yet
And I know to forgive but to never forget
Forgive myself for getting upset
At you when you weren’t the one to blame
Even then, in my darkest hour you came
To show me the way
To show me the way

Look inside yourself
HE is there
Look inside yourself
HE is there
HE is thereHE is there

I try to walk away quietly
Maybe then they won’t see who I am or who I wanna be
Camouflage with the negativity
Slip away benevolently
Or maliciously
Whatever comes over me
As I flee to the nearest exit to serenity
Beaten paths and I laugh at all the hypocrisy
‘No hate! No, wait, except for you
Cause I hate every tiny little abstract thing you do
From how you comb your hair to how you tie your shoes’
You can’t be for peace and for hatred, too
Pick one side or the other
Don’t say you love and then stab each other
Bend to the ground hold your head, duck for cover
Bout to blow up maybe then you’ll discover
That there’s just one life on Earth you don’t get another
And if you mess up then you’re in trouble brother
Cause ain’t nobody got your back
When every statement for peace you make you retract
Rewind stick in false facts
False hopes, slip through the cracks
All you’re gonna get is flack
From the pack of the others who are just like you
Liars and cheats who got nothin’ else to do
But run their mouths like they gettin’ ready to chew
And I sit and listen to all y’all and know none of it’s true
No one else go my back but myself and you know who
Tearin holes in the skies
Don’t need a disguise
Or lies
Or fireflies
In your eyes
Just catch you by surprise
Just realize
Ain’t no compromisin’ when you’re talking to Him
People been tryin’ that game time and again
Can’t fool Him can’t play games with the King
Cause even if you got your secrets, he knows everything
He knows you’re lying straight through your teeth
He knows what’s going on the outside and underneath
If you try to worship him, try to pick up the pace
But if you’re trying to pull one over on him you’re a disgrace
Cause when judgment day comes and you meet face to face
Best believe that G-d Almighty will put you right in your place

I’ve tried to lay down so many times
I’ve tried to close my eyes so many times
Tried to fade away so many times
Keep comin back to haunt myself so many times

Try to keep my head above the waves
Crashin round all over the place
Try to stop myself from being a disgrace
But the sea of blood keep’s splashin in my face
I’ve fallen to me knees
Shoutin out my prayers and my pleas
Run down the hills of kings
Just to listen silently
Tore myself from what’s real
Try with all my might just to feel
Somethin that wasn’t pain or fear
Just to feel my heart’s not steel
One beat or two or three
Can’t stop until I feel I am completely free
Of the demons that have captured me
Drown me in the bloody sea

I’ve tried to lay down so many times
I’ve tried to close my eyes so many times
Tried to fade away so many times
Keep comin back to haunt myself so many times

Souls ain’t gone to rest
Still lookin 'round for happiness
Their eagerness
To impress
Someone they ain’t never met
Eyes sunken in and drawn down
Bowed so low their jaws touch the ground
No one can see what they haven’t found
Just a piece of the past, another trip around
To lives they all left behind
To try to find
A sliver of who they were, a fraction of their mind
The wind blows down their naked spines
Winds shriek like their cries
Of utter pain and agony
Of who they were and who they’ll never be
That shadow without the history
Yeah, that’s who I used to be
But now I am here
Flesh and bones with no fear
Able to hear
That no matter how it appears
I’ll always persevere
Cause G-d knows I’m ready to fight
For what’s right
Brand new day
Push away
The very dark of night
Plant my feet square in the light
And let it shine down
From the sky down
I can smile now
But I can also allow
To have my bad days
Days I wanna go away
Pull away
From this maze
That’s when I need to pray
For strength, I’ll be okay

I’ve tried to lay down so many times
I’ve tried to close my eyes so many times
Tried to fade away so many times
Keep comin back to haunt myself so many times
But no more
No more
No more
No more

confused confusion
hazy eyed blind intrusion
wraps around my brain
hemmorhages then contusions
conclusions
there ain't no solutions
just illusions
black and white fusions
they just use us
to come back and abuse us
just useless
think we're useless
and clueless
well newsflash here's their backlash
twenty-one years down the drain
with one quick head bash
and FLASH
gone like lightning
and it's so frightening
that the hate is heightening
so uninviting
what with all of this fighting
just igniting
the shadow started inciting
peace is so flighting
hard to find the silver lining
but a light's still shining
redifining
and redesigning
and reassigning
all of our pining

I am human, I am weak
I listen but you do not speak
Stillness
Thunder
Wind through blades of grass
Your whisper echoes in my ear
But I am deaf, I cannot hear
I am human, I am proud
I look for you behind the cloud
Peace
Serenity
Light in a child's face
You prescence surrounds all of me
But I am blind, I cannot see

Wash away the darkness
Wash away the pain
Wash away my sins
Let me live my life again
Show me how to live
Show me how to love
Show me all your glory
That I've been dreaming of

Let me see the way
The way to free my soul
Let me take back the life
The life all the hatred stole
Let me see the light
To lead me homeward bound
When I needed strength
Strength I found
Let me see the way

I had lost my joy
I had lost my happiness
I had lost my life
In a hole of darkness

Let me see the way
The way to free my soul
Let me take back the life
The life all the hatred stole
Let me see the light
To lead me homeward bound
When I needed strength
Strength I found
Let me see the way

If I lose sight again
Of who I am inside
I know I can make it through
With G-d by my side

Let me see the way
The way to free my soul
Let me take back the life
The life all the hatred stole
Let me see the light
To lead me homeward bound
When I needed strength
Strength I found
Let me see the way

Rise up against the blackness that seaps into my veins
The hatred, that hunger that still remains
Whenever he crosses my mind
Somehow I have to find
The strength within to leave it behind
But the wounds are obvious to me
So fresh but too old for anyone to see
Unless they see my insanity
All the pain stings like electricity
As the volts run through me and into the sea
Of the thousands of millions tears I've cried
G-d knows I really have tried
To push out all this hatred inside

Push my arrogance aside
Dry these tears I've cried
Resist the urge to hide
The urge to die
Look up to sky
Bask in His holy light
Holy light
Holy light
Release myself from these chains that bind
And the darkness that had me confined
Let me have some peace of mind
Peace of mind
And I will rise
And I will rise
Rise up to His grace
Even if I'll never see His face
Pray He'll take me from this place
But not before my time
Before my time
I know He has great plans for me
Mapped out my destiny
I'll be whatever he wants me to be
And I'll be free
I'll be free
Freedom just like all the rest
Only comes if you're truly blessed
Pass the test
For His quest
Look beyond visibility
Then you will see
You is third in line to Him and everybody
And you will see
Then you will see
The gravity of His glory
His story
His glory
His story

Darkness falls on this burial shroud
And I scream but it's not allowed
Stifled breaths, one man crowd
I knew I'd never make you proud
Broken dreams and crooked lies
Drenched in tears and severed ties
One look through your hazel eyes
No one can if no one tries
Twenty years just tick away
Hearts and hope start to decay
As I beg for you to stay
Glimmering pain shines in the day

Wrapped around and woven through
Trace the thread right back to you
It's not who you are, it's what you do
It's not about the lies, it's about what's true
I've turned away a time or two
Trying to find other light besides what's in you
But time and again a feeling in me grew
A voice whispered just what I should do
And I jumped off the world and ran towards the sun
Release me from this burden of all that I've done
Free me from my pain, make me whole inside
Dry up this sea from the tears I've cried
And don't ever turn your back on me
Please love me for eternity
And if I stray don't let me go
Please don't let me be alone
Guide me, please try to show me the way
Here I am down on my knees, I pray
That you'll turn it all around, it'll be okay
And that I'll live to see another day
When the seams start to tatter and fray
And my soul seems to just wither away
And they put me in the ground where I'll lay
Take me home to stay
And I'll jump off the world and run towards the sun
Release me from this burden of all that I've done
Free me from my pain, make me whole inside
Dry up this sea from the tears I've cried
And don't ever turn your back on me
Please love me for eternity
And if I stray don't let me go
Please don't let me be alone
And I'll jump off the world and run towards the sun
Release me from this burden of all that I've done
Free me from my pain, make me whole inside
Dry up this sea from the tears I've cried
And don't ever turn your back on me
Please love me for eternity
And if I stray don't let me go
Please don't let me die alone

Explosion of emotion
Blaring loud, the commotion
Suddenly got the notion
Rewind then slow motion
As the clock ticks away
I kneel down and I pray
That all of this decay
Leaves before day
Breaks
And the land and the sea
Aren’t left up to just me
To piece up the peace
Just to watch it decrease
As the pain that boils
Comes back and just spoils
All the progress and toils
Strikes and recoils
As the world turns to ashes
It struggles and it thrashes
Up and down mad dashes
To breathe before the crashes
Come
Duck down
To the underground
Just to rebound
To resound
Ain’t no one around
But us
And the dreams that were drowned
In the blood red sea
Just flowin’ around me
Oh what this would be
If we all could just agree
Could just tuck away our fears
And put down the poison spears
Taste each other’s tears
Melt away, disappear
But it’s been all these years
Just stuck in first gear
I can’t wait to hear
That music to my ears
To let me know that one day
All hate will go away
Will be we, not they
That’s how it will stay

You were so young
When it all went down
I wasn’t much older
But I was weaker somehow
I don’t know,
What happened to you
But I do know
There’s nothing I can do
Nothing I can do

I should’ve been there
But I couldn’t stop the pain
I wish I could promise
It won’t happen to you again
And it kills me to think
That I can’t save you
If it returns
There’s nothing I can do

You said what kind of God
Could do this to me?
You said you only trust
The things that you can see
You said I see myself
Just fading away
I start to cry
You tell me it’ll be okay

I should’ve been there
But I couldn’t stop the pain
I wish I could promise
It won’t happen to you again
And it kills me to think
That I can’t save
If it returns
There’s nothing I can do

If I could
I would
Take all of that hurt away
If I could
I would
Find the right words to say

I should’ve been there
But I couldn’t stop the pain
I wish I could promise
It won’t happen to you again
And it kills me to think
That I can’t save
If it returns
There’s nothing I can do

Just rockin away from the dark side of my mind
Hope that with this newfound light maybe I might find
The peace that has escaped me for so many years
Erase all the pain, all the struggles, all my fears
Standing in the same place for decades you see
Looking back and trying to sort through my lost history
But there’s just me
And the traces of lost family
Floating freely through all my lost memories
But now I have strength from above that’s within
For once in my life I know exactly where to begin
As I fall down on my knees right into your grace
With your words of peace and healing written all over my face
I’ve finally found my way through all of the hate
That consumed me for so long but it was well worth the wait

Twenty-six minutes and I'm gone
Pack my bags, try to move on
Thirteen voicemails on my phone
Saying I'll never make it alone
Memories on the floor
I can't take it anymore
Bruises that I thought I forgave
Only way to be saved

I just love
That the world's on my shoulders
And I cringe
Though I carry the weight
Offer up
All your condolences
Walk away
Before it's too late

And I can't breathe
One more breath for you
And I can't live
Just 'cause you want me to

I wish that they
Would turn away quietly
Fade away
Right into the sun
Two cents in
No sense comes out of it all
All that's said
Has all been said and done

And I can't breathe
One more breath for you
And I can't live
Just 'cause you want me to

If I could
I would run away to the stars
Jump right in
Swim into the dark
If I could
I would run away to the stars
Jump right in
Swim into the dark

And I can't breathe
One more breath for you
And I can't live
Just 'cause you want me to

inhalation
taste buds fluttering
the sound reverberating
between the refrigerator
and the lock
the door slams steering away eyes
they linger
he lingers menacingly
strong hands and jutting veins
crushed cardboard the fifth thing
she sees
i see nothing

Smooth skin and pouty lips
and brown eyes with long lashes;
Full breasts and rosy cheeks with slight dimples
and the thick brown hair of youth;
Warm hugs from a warm heart
and giving spirit that was taught;
The courage to stand up for beliefs
and the knowledge to choose the battles;
Energy in abundance
and, yet, a calming vibe that exudes;
The ability to make new friends
and the charm to make them stay;
Confidence, confidence is key
and a broad smile to greet the world.


*I needed a booster... I'm not nearly this arrogant.

I expected more than this
I expected a feeling of accomplishment,
of prayers answered,
of goals achieved.
I sit here, and stare at this piece of paper and I
sigh.
I find myself confused about the future
and regretful about the past
and worried that this emptiness
will last forever.
My motivation is gone along with my stamina.

Why when you walk into the room
does my confidence hide and
cower in fear? What once was
my ego is now air and I
stumble over words and try to
hide my flaws, when just moments
ago I was on top of the world
spinning carefree? My breath
gets stolen from my lungs
as if I was punched in the gut
and I notice your glance at her
and jealousy envelops me and I
feel small like a spec of dust
just floating past you. A nobody
important, just that girl. A mutual
friend means nothing and neither
do my eyes making contact with
yours and you shake my hand,
my hand goodnight, and tell
me it was nice to meet me
although I know you won't
remember me by the morning.
Maybe just that girl, but the name
escapes you but I'm not worth
the thought of what my name
could be and you drink your coffee
and start a new day without the slightest
thought me. But you're the only
thing on my mind.

Pink petals on cold stone
as the wind picks up and the
underbelly of the clouds darken
to black. Black like
the crow's feathers and like
pill bugs burrowing into the ground
or rolling in the hand of a child.
Shoe prints in the moist ground that
show me you were here,
maybe moments ago, maybe hours.
I kneel beside the pink velvet
and pray for the storm to pass.

Chlorine stings my eyes
Tears invisible to you
Splash out of the pool

Gelatinous blob,
a feast for the white beast
whose fangs thirst for blood.
Watching as he rips through the flesh
and pulls out gray meat in his strong
muscular jaws.
Ignores the rotten smell
and ingests his survival.

Broken bones surround me
with loud voices and quick steps.
I fade away into the masses.
The masses fade away into me.

Crystal winds up my spine
and goosebumps on my flesh
as the sun rises over the Kankakee River.
Flocking geese arriving early in
a shattered 'V' and broken honking
heard for miles...
miles.
Dead blades under my feet
as I look across the lost frozen field.

Fuschia flashes in brown eyes
as the scent lingers too long.
The memory is there of that night,
that night,
that night.
Crossed fingers and a pocket full of change
spilled to the floor to roll under the furniture.
One chuckle here, another one there.
Awkward movements as our bones shift
and meld
and collide.
A sigh... a deep
desperate
sigh of relief, of exasperation.
That sigh lost in the shuffle
barely noticed by you but my ears caught
that sigh.
Knotted shoelaces in the morning
as the sun catches a glare off of a button
and I count eyelashes, unimportant,
but something,
something
to take my mind away.
Goosebumps from the morning chill of Illinois
in the winter
and curled toes under layers.
A sigh and knotted shoelaces
walk away together.

Take me away
With that high pitched cry
or nimbleness of your fingers
As you play my troubles
like we've met before.
One hand sliding
the other moving quickly
To tell my tale
but this is our first time
Together,
here in this room surrounded
By these people.
Oh I'm falling in love
with every note, every key change,
With you and your stance.

I pucker and blow
Tiny particles
Float away
To replant
To relive
To revive
Weed-dom

My size 9 1/2 shoes
Generic
Step on your home
Your shelter
squish
squish
squish
I think I can hear your screams
I pause
Sorrow grips me
Until
Tiny bites on my ankles
I step harder

Pulsating
Beating
Thump-thump-thumping
&
Rat-a-tat-tatting
Rose spatter on my cheeks
As I,
By I I mean
me
By me I mean
Well...
The universe shifts
Two inches there
&
Four inches back
How far have we come?
Age old question
No answer
No answer in sight
Out of sight
Loss of light
&
I hold tight
The
Thump-thump-thumping
&
Rat-a-tat-tatting
Ricochets off of your chest
Bones quiver
Just like tiny tadpoles
Shimmy & shake
Getting no where really
Just like us
By us I mean
We
By we I mean
Well...

I don't know why
I want you to break her heart
Greed?
Most likely
I want you for myself
And myself only
I want you to be mine
Just like I want me to be yours
Together

Oh mankind
Don't you have the time?
Ten, twelve, six?
Five minutes
Two seconds
To worry?
Quick feet
March the street
Slow down
Slow down!
SLOW DOWN!!
Breathe in and release
Breathe in that chicken grease
From McDonaldized America
Worry about tomorrow
It may never come
For some
Who move
Move
Move
Too quickly
Let the earth pass them by
Don't even know we have a sky
Mother nature what happened to your reign?
Oh boy
Oh boy
Don't mess with her she'll go insane
What happened to your spunk
What happened to your voice?
Oh mother nature
I know this wasn't your choice!
We punish him
For killing that woman
That man
What about us,
for killing our land?

I hear those words
You know,
those words,
And I shudder.
They don't pertain to me.
Surely I am not those words.
But
something rings in me.
An alarm to my system
telling me, screaming at me
to never say those words.
You may not be those words
but that man, that woman
down there might be.
Why can't we just call each other
human?

The murky water flows.
This,
this is the cleanest river in Illinois?
My dirty hand tosses large rocks
over from the mushy shore
to scare the fish so my dad won't
hook and reel them in today.
Swans in the distance honking
with angry eyes and their young on their backs.
Mom grabs her camera,
"Say cheese swannies!"
I yell. They flutter at my voice.
The camera clicks and the swans are captured,
forever still in the photograph
although instants later my rocks scare them off
and they vanish
and my four year old self waves goodbye
as they fly off downstream.

Stay inside the lines
Don't stray
Or be punished
Be ridiculed
Stay inside the box
Don't escape
Or be tortured
Be pushed
Stay within the norm
Don't flee
Or be chastised
Be labeled

Dad, daddy, pops, PaPa... Whatever I call him, he's my father. There's no denying it either, not that I'd want to. Our heads came from the same mold except his dome is mostly barren where mine thrives with the locks of youth that I'm sure will fade with time. His eyes are hazel, flecks of green and blue with a yellow undertone. His French nose that runs in the family, that I lack. We have the same cheekbones and I'm sure, if I let myself go, I would inherit is mustache as well. It's hard not to notice he's my dad. He's a real mans man, whatever that means. He wears Levis and cowboys boots with plaid shirts. He works hard hours in a factory. He has a pick-up truck and lives out in the country. He wears trucker hats and aviator sunglasses. That's my dad. He's tough, proven by his missing middle finger on his right hand. He has always been a loving father in his own way. Making sure to hug and kiss us, tell us her loves us, tickle the back of our necks affectionately. He finds it hard to make conversation if not about work, bowling, sports, farming, or town and family news, he doesn't talk about his childhood at all. He never speaks of my grandfather whom I don't remember. He jokes about my grandma's alzheimer's even though you know it hurts. He's a conservative Catholic with two liberal daughters, one being a agnostic, which I think he doesn't even realize. He's frugal but always willing to help out financially when his girls are in need. My dad hasn't always been there for me emotionally. I still find it hard to talk to him about certain things and I never want to upset him in any way. I've hurt him before and I never want to do it again. I love my dad and I know he loves me but supporting me financially for all these years, for holding my hand a little longer after the Lord's prayer, for hugging me in public and telling me he loves me, for taking me bowling and giving me tips, for buying me my first basketball hoop when I was in fifth grade, for encouraging me to get an education, for calling when we haven't talked in a while, and when he still, today, tickles my neck affectionately.

Timpani
Above one eye
Vessels hurt
Throb
Dizzy
Dizzy
Dizzy
NO LIGHT
NO SOUND
Porcelain haven
Cold floor
Head hits the pillow
Fourteen hours later
It's just a memory

rocks
turtles
the river
swans
weeping willow
plastic pool
battle of hastings
puddle checkers
third birthday
not so spooky spiders
brookfield zoo
sleepovers
sickness
ghost stories
birds and the bees
bunk beds
sleeping with my parents
snick
biscuits and gravy
market day
salute your shorts
wiggle butt
grandma
minnie mouse inflatable boat
barbies
stickers on the wall
falling off of my bike
jack
bandit
mosquitoes
bonfires
innocence
innocence

Shrill
Nails on the chalkboard shrill
Knocking at the door
You open your jaws
And YIP YIP YIP
I love you
But SHUT UP

Cry
Cries
Everybody Cries
Lie
Lies
Everybody Lies
Die
Dies
Everbody Dies

He said
She said
We all said
Unless you said
That I said
Than they said
All I said
Was he said
What she said
But you said
She said
That he said
That I said
Okay...
I said it

All I know is what's around me
Bared souls and beating hearts
Colors flying past in flashes
Death the color of the earth surrounds
Even the whisper of the trees
Fine and angelic like a harp
Going in and out of my memory
Hushing tones of the river
Itching of curiosity in my bones
Just because I know you've been here before
Knowing your feet have been right where mine are now
Long ago
My mind sees your face so vividly
Never have I seen you before
Oval stones tossed by tiny hands
Praying to sink to the bottoms quickly
Quiet songs of the grass
Run through my toes and up my body
Stopping to rest on a man
That, long ago, I knew
Under the weeping willows
Various beams of light warming my skin
Words are silenced
Xerox copies of my past
Yahweh speaking to my son
Zealous minds whirling past

Let those without sin cast the first stone
Put your daggers down and leave me alone
Who are you to tell me
Who I can be?
Don't you dare try to mold my skin
I won't let the metamorphosis begin
I won't let you melt my brain
And let it rinse on down the drain
Because I'm eternally glad
To be labeled as raving mad

Concentrating on the wall
Hoping not to fall
'cause I'm down on my knees
And even two feet would be too far
My bones ache for a whisper
A kiss perhaps
On my cheek
But then again
The broken couch
Doesn't want me to slouch
And fall into men

I don't want to love you
You will only break me
I don't want to love you
You can't make me

Broken glass in between my toes
And oh only God knows
That the pain isn't half as bad as you
I sit alone and twiddle my thumbs
To the beat of refrigerator hums
Red lights flash at the knock on the door
That I try so hard to ignore

I don't want to love you
You will only break me
I don't want to love you
You can't make me

Crushed cans on the side of the road
An old friendly warted toad
Remind me of you

I don't want to love you
You will only break me
I don't want to love you
You can't make me

I don't want to love you
You will only break me
I don't want to love you
You can't make me
You can't make me
Oh God I'm in love

Like a hummingbird in your ear
I buzz I love you
Just like January of last year
I buzz I love you

Because nothing's changed here for me
Has something changed there for you
I don't think we've changed at all
I hope to God we never do

A hundred kisses that feel like silk
A hundred hugs that taste like milk
I run my hand through your hair
Hoping you're still there

Because nothing's changed here for me
Has something changed there for you
I don't think we've changed at all
I hope to God we never do

Just like sad country song
Two years and going strong
I can't believe it's been that long
I found where I belong

Because nothing's changed here for me
Has something changed there for you
I don't think we've changed at all
I hope to God we never..
Because nothing's changed here for me
And nothing's changed there for you
I don't think we've changed at all
I hope to God we never do

I try to talk
But there's something caught on the roof of my mouth
Like sticky rice
I make an odd noise that seems to sound like the the hum of the refrigerator right before it breaks down
I break down
I grimace at my embarrassment
Rosy cheeks hidden behind dark hair
I stutter my monologue
talkingtoofastforanyonetounderstandme
I watch as you walk away
Dignity intact
Mine
Is no where to be found

*these are lyrics I wrote years ago right after Johnny Cash died..*

Verse 1
Hello there
Why are you sitting alone in here
In here
Don't you want some company
Maybe me, maybe me

I've been walking
Up and down
These narrow hallways
Wearing a slanted crown
Waiting, waiting
For the end my friend

Chorus
How's it gonna happen?
I think God only knows
If he's even watching all my idols
And my heroes
Fading, fading
Away like daylight
Way into the the dark of night
That ain't right

Verse 2
Is anyone really alive?
Or are we all dead?
Is anyone really awake?
Or are we all asleep in bed?
I think this is hell
Watching my heroes six feet down
Who would've figured ol' Johnny in the ground

Chorus-repeat

Bridge
Hello there
Why are you sitting alone in here
I damn sure don't want company
If I'm just dying
I'm dying

Chorus-repeat 2x

It was his choice. He didn't have to.. No one forced him to. But he did it. And now he only has himself to blame. Now he can sit alone, in pain, contemplating on if he should call. Maybe dial my number and hang up when I pick up. Empty bottles and cans, trying to drown his sorrows. Because I'm done being the damsel in distress.

A flicker
A spark of hope
Shoots from my toes
Into my heart
Pumping blood quickly
The beat, the rhythm to my life
Quickens the pace
My pupils dilate
My mouth waters
My knees weaken
And just like that
As quickly as it came
It's gone
You're gone

I find myself putting on this face. This face of strength and security and confidence. It includes narrowed eyes and a tight jaw that can take any punch thrown its way. I smile widely to further extend the illusion that I'm happy with who I am, and I roll my eyes to let them wonder if I think I'm better than them. This face of steel ready to take on the world, face any obstacle thrown at me. And then, out of no where, you walk in... Into the room, into my life... And that face of strength and confidence melts down to the fragile child that I once was... That I still am. My eyes no longer narrow and look straight ahead, they quickly glance around and come to rest on the floor as you greet me. My jaw loosens and goes into a slight smile as my cheeks burn... I'm suddenly aware of my frizzy hair and that I have no makeup on, I'm in baggy clothes... In front of you. I'm no longer able to take on the world, I'm only able to stare at the floor in awe that you, you, are even talking to me. Frizzy haired, plain, sloppy me.

I'm often loud
But
I can be soft when I want to
Whisper so lightly
The hint of sound from my voice kisses your eardrum while passing by
I can be rough
One of the guys
But
I can be feminine just as well
Paint my eyes in various shades to accentuate the caramel brown of my iris
I can be harsh
Swear like a sailor
But
I can show tact all the same
Bat my eyelashes, stick to proper conversation, when in doubt pinky out
I can do laundry
Take care of the house
But
I can rebel just as much as the next liberal
Shout my words, my feelings, my striving for equality for everyone, everywhere
I can love
Love so hard it hurts
But
I can also despise
Dislike someone so much that it verges on hate
But
That is something I would never do

She holds her teddy bear close to her face
If she don't look at him, she feels less of a disgrace
She shakes as the door creeps open
It's just her mama, she keeps hopin'
She knows it's him by the sound of his walk
Hand over her mouth, "be a good girl don't talk
If you love daddy you'll let him do as he pleases"
She tries to shut away is grunts and his wheezes
Silent tears make their way down her her cheek
If she knows what's best for her, she won't try to shriek
She's afraid is she tells, mama won't love her anymore
That's what he says as he walks over to the door
He has the nerve to say he loves her and to have a good night
Once he's gone she still holds that same old teddy bear tight
Prayin' to the Lord that it won't happen again
She knows it will she just doesn't know when
She curses the day that she ever was born
She's not even five and she's already torn

Make some noise
Because
Silence can be DEAFENING
I need to know that I can still hear
If I chose to listen
I've been silent all too long
Now's the time to raise my voice
Speak my mind
Be heard
Before it's too late
Too late for change for myself, for this place, this society
Break the molds of beauty and conventionalism
Not to just think outside of the box
But to shake that box until it SHATTERS
To truly open our minds
To see the face of God in the beauty that is Earth
And EVERYONE that graces its presence
Please
I plead
Fellow homo sapiens
Make some noise
Before we're all deaf

I wish I could be three again. Where throwing rocks into the murky water of the Kankakee River was prime entertainment and candy bubbles tasted good to a sugar hungry child's mouth. I wish I could return to the days where I collected baby turtles from the rock covered road to save them from getting hit by the occasional pickup truck or tractor. Or when we pretended leprochauns lived in the run down shack and let our imaginations get the best of us. When my biggest worries were a sore throat or falling off of my hand-me-down bicycle. I miss the bonfires, cuddled on top of my grandma's lap, my flame licked face laying softly on her bosom as she rocked me humming in a beautiful tone. I miss climbing trees and scabby knees and the bunk bed where my sister and I talked for hours on end until one of us eventually nodded off. I miss the Berenstein Bears, the soothing tone of my mother's voice reading to me and promising to check up on me before going to sleep. I miss crawling into my parent's bed, to find comfort and protection awaiting me. But the thing I miss most of all is the innocence every child has. The hunger for knowledge but a simple ignorance of the happenings of the world. No bills, no worries about oil or war, or rising food prices, or finding shelter. All that my little mind was concerned about was keeping active, while now, I'm reluctant to move from the comfort of my sofa. I wish I could just crawl into the bottom bunk, surround myself with my stuffed animals, and drift away to the sound of my grandma's humming.

For all that you did
Pretending to be such a good person
When really
You were evil
For calloused hands brushing innocent flesh
For pretending to care
For blaming them
For accusing them
I know you were just a coward
Trying to fill a perverse obsession
Greedy eyes and grubby fingers
But now
I can finally say
I forgive you
I forgive all that you did
But
I will NEVER forget

My father’s hands
Scarred and cut
Calloused
Rough to the touch
But he was never rough with them
On his right hand
His middle finger is gone
Not completely gone
Just to the second joint
And a smooth seal of skin covers where it used to be
I fail to notice it now
But it seems to be the first thing people notice about him
My father’s hands
Held me on his lap
As we watched endless Antiques Roadshows
My father’s hands
Know the strength of a gun
Know the feel of a hard days work
Know the exhaustion of a factory
My father’s hands
Rough to the touch
But he was never rough with them

They say they will change the world
Make peace
In the middle east
Make peace in a land
War torn since the beginning of man
Give equal rights to all
As long as you're a white male
With the green
With no disabilities
Who likes women
And God and Jesus
No homos allowed
No women in power
No healthcare
No non-Christians
No liberal thinking
No open-minds
The rich get richer
And the poor and poorer
No research for cancer
Or AIDS
No help for Africa
Just America
Or so they say to the reporters
Take care of our own
As long as they are
Straight, Rich, Christian, White Males

If I were to tell you how I honestly felt, you would probably run away screaming, but perhaps, you would stay and take it all in, tell me you were flattered, pat my shoulder and walk away. Either one would be a blow to my ego, to my heart, to get rejected once again. You think I'd be numb to the pain but it stings just as strongly as it did that first time, so long ago. To have my love pushed aside, labeled another crush. To be treated as if I was a child who doesn't know the joy and pain of love, but I do, and all too well. If I were to tell you how I honestly felt, could you just tell me a the tiniest, sweetest lie, that may give me a glimmer of hope?

I wish I was there
To hold you in my arms
And assure you you were strong enough to live
I wish I could've been there, to shield you from bullets
To try and prevent as much pain as possible
To take your dark face in my hands
Stare into your eyes
And tell you, "you are safe"
I wish I could create peace as easily as hate is created
But I am no God
I am a mere mortal
Who wishes they could do more
For the world
For Africa
For Sudan
For Achak, Dominic, Valentino Deng

I have been called
A spick *because I have dark hair*
A dike *because I'm a feminist*
A dirty Jew *because I read about Judaism*
A Canuck *because I'm French Canadian*
A nigger lover *because I'm not racist*
An extremist *because I speak my mind*
A terrorist *because I don't support the war*
An anti-American *because I don't support the president*
A hippie *because I don't hate*
A Nazi *because I have German blood in me*
An atheist *because I have questioned my faith*
What do I call these people?
Ignorant
Close-minded
Rude
Mean spirited
But I also call them human
Because to human is to err
Human is to judge
Human is to not trust outsiders
We are all fallible
We are all mortal
We are all wrong
We are all right
We are human
So next time you want to call me
Spick, dike, dirty Jew, Canuck, nigger lover, extremist, terrorist, anti-American, hippie, Nazi, atheist
Just call me human
Just like you

I didn't smoke for long. I forget, now, why I even started. I think to just find out what the hype was about. Most of my friends smoked and it was at a time when my mother started up again. I asked my mom if I could take one tiny drag off of hers. I had asked this many times but had never followed through with it, hence why she willingly handed it over to me. To her surprise, and to somewhat of my own, I took a drag, making sure not to inhale. My mom looked at me in a mix of horror and amazement. She said, "See, it's gross, isn't it?" I shook my head disagreeably and said I actually liked it. I continued to smoke the remaining cigarette. After that, I snuck around, buying a pack here or there and eventually being able to inhale. Soon enough, I was caught, and although I am twenty years old, I still felt like a child getting caught stealing a dollar bill out of their mother's purse. My mom was disappointed but she didn't really lecture me. I only smoked for about a month and only quit because my aunt and cousin pleaded with me to. I still crave the nicotine but I haven't smoked once since I decided to quit. I watch people smoking and just want to ask to bum one off of them, but I resist the urge and carry on with my day.

Will you excuse me
While I exit from the room?
I must go to my place
Alone
Alone
To take care of my dirty deeds
My obsession
My addiction
My adrenaline pumps immediately
Blood rushing
Euphoria
Sweet euphoria
Embrace me
Take me to your garden of Eden
As I taste the forbidden fruits

My patience breaks
And my body shakes
With pure disgust
To even look at you
Or in your general direction
Makes me nauseous
My last nerve bends
And snaps with the opening of your mouth
And your squeaky voice comes out
Irritating girl
Chills run through my body
As I realize
You're still talking
Droning on and bitching about this or that
And bragging of your stupidity
Its girls like you
That let women be degraded
Excuse me while I bust my eardrum
Just to relieve myself of your voice
No longer to endure your complaining
Now
Let me just take care of these eyes

Sweet intoxication
Temptation
Liberation
Of flirtation
My aspiration
For communication
Conversation
Contemplation
Fascination
With my expectation
Acceleration
To transformation
Infatuation
With the situation
Contamination
My imagination
Glorification
Gratification

It all started with a dream...
I was running
Sprinting really
Further
Into
the
Darkness
No light in sight
Just the burn
Of my legs
And the pain
Of my
Bare
Feet
Hitting
The rough ground
A voice in the distance CRIES
And I pause
Chest in flames
Lungs Aching
As I take
Short
Staggering
Breaths
I know that voice
It's my own
Deep into the darkness
I awake
Cold
Sweat
Dripping
Not knowing
If I save myself
From the darkness

Let us dance tonight
For it will be the last
We will not remember tomorrow
What has happened this night
And you shall pass by
Without so much as a glance
And I shall do the same
To appease you
And your ego
No words will be spoken
No more feelings shared
Just an empty feeling
In the pit of our stomachs
And in our hearts
For all of eternity

It's where the evil men are from
Those creatures of the night
The ones who steal innocence
And have no remorse
Yet they have the power
To make some of their victims
Still respect them
Stockholm syndrome?
Perhaps
All I know
Is he is from there
And that's why I'm afraid

I want to dislike you
I want you to be an asshole
And I want me to notice it
I want to loathe you
I want you to be
A drug dealer, a felon, a racist skinhead
Anything to make me despise you
But you're not
You're kind
And funny
And respectful to me
And I unfortunately
Love you
But don't think I like it

Why do you have to be charming
Polite
Respectful
British?
Why do you have to be daring
Courageous
Good looking
Mature?
Why do you have to be kind
Smart
Goal-oriented
lovable?
Why do you have to be thirty
Perfect
Well-known
Unobtainable?

Sweet memories fill my mind
Of that night
You
Making a point to talk to me
And to put your arm around me
To tell me you like how I acted
And you wanted to see more
That I was out of control
But in a good way
A way you've never seen before
You brought it up the next day
To prove you remembered, too
But now you forget
And I start from square one

Are you aware that every single time I breathe, I can only muster up the air because of the glimmer of hope that we could be together one day? That you and I just might be soulmates and I have found you by chance along this twisted road that we call life? Are you aware that I only stir myself to wake because I might come across your path today? That by the off chance you might be in the area, for whatever reason, we could bump into eachother? Are you aware that the only reason I give a damn about my appearance, even in the slightest quotient, is because I might catch your attention by my outfit or the paint I shalack on my face? That maybe, just maybe, you might like what you see and do something about it? Are you aware that the words that come off your lips are imprinted in my heart, the good and the bad? That your words mean more to me than what anyone else thinks? Are you aware that every three minutes I think about you and the love that could be possible if you only knew? Are you aware of me?

You're vanity intrigues me
It's not confidence
It almost a sense of false bravado
It comes off as arrognace
Yet you're insecurities shine through
But you ignore them
You tell yourself
And others
That if you brag just enough
No one will see them
Including you
But I see them
I play the same game

I have one on my forearm from the oven
And one on my thumb from the car door
One on each bicep from a bad reaction to medication
Too many to count on my knees
One on my big toe from a piece of glass
Three from surgery
Little ones all over from this or that
And then there is this one
The worst
It's the one you gave to me
The scar of where my heart broke

I bend over
Or crouch down
And my knees crack
Softly at first but louder the further I go
I casually look up
No one noticed
Or if they did, they are being polite
I return to an upright position and they do the same
Later
An elderly woman bends over
Or crouches down
Beside me
Her knees crack
I am old
At age 20

You tell me the tales of your drunken escapades
Those wasted weekend nights
I listen, intrigued and worried at the same time
They tell me I’m too good for you
You’re arrogant
Self-righteous
An alcoholic
An atheist
A bad person
Bottom line: you have flaws
You’re not a bad person
You’re unique with your sense of humor
You genuinely care about others but are afraid to show it
I know that, they don’t
You’re not perfect
Neither am I
But I love your imperfections
Every last one of them

Sun seeps into the room, between the slats on the plastic curtains
I stare, endlessy, at a computer screen clicking away
Erasing what I hate, those neverending cliches that are my life
Typing a more romantic version of what I want my life to be
But it all ends up the same
Complete and utter dribble in the highest sense
I take a time check: 1:35 PM
It's been four hours and I've managed to create a mockery to all of poetry
Heartache, it's so done along with yearning and obsession
I strive to be unique in an endless sea of blah
But I blend in with the other waves to be washed upon the shore
To die.. A cliche

Falling stars
Hurling towards the earth
People diving
Save those who look alike
Pray to your cross
Pray to your star
Pray to whatever you need to
No one is safe
Hiroshima
Korea
Vietnam
Shall we once again?

deep breaths
it aches but i do as i'm told
one more time
she says
i hear rattling
she says
one more time
my eyes water in pain
but i do as i'm told
one more time
she asks again
just one more time

I talk to her for hours
Giving her a rose
I kiss my hand and put it on her stone
"Here lies Mary Fowler"
Here lies my guardian angel
My Grandmother

I couldn't keep my eyes off of you
Staring so intently on the piece of literature in front of you
Drinking in every word she says
You glance at me, your blue eyes sparkling
I can feel my cheeks get flushed just by your small gesture
You show you artistic intellect and my heart swells
Knowing that I've fallen for you, a complete stranger
The anonymous young man in tan